secondtype.

there's a possibility that the entire course of my life is fixing to drastically change.
in three months i will know with a blood test.
i don't want a needle in me forever.

and yet again i make a bold statement and say that

no one ever asked me what i wanted.

sudden.

most nights i cant sleep.
im tired
but i just cant.
my mind wont stop.



i keep thinking if i hide myself
under these thin sheets i can count my days slower and slower
but i cant
they keep coming and going
quicker then i'd ever thought they would
and they do.
then they're gone
just like you and me


it doesn't help..

me dreaming about you.

you're supposed to be chasing your own dreams.
stop chasing me
in mine.



most mornings i cant get up.
im awake
but i just cant.
my mind wont stop.

awake.

even writing everything down doesn't do it justice.
speaking it doesn't either.

my thoughts are here for good.
my eyes won't shut until your tune stops beating to the old tired drum you kick with your foot.


does everyone have a tender heart? in a wishful thinkers world, the answer would be yes. but in a corrupt world, the answer is no, their heart is far from tender- its hardened. you see, too many people see too many things. too many people experience too many things. but despite what they have seen, despite what they've experienced, they haven't experienced something quite like this.  like grace, like love.

too many people give up on relationships, friendships, and marriages in correlation to what our culture deems "right" by a society who doesn't know their left from their right. so many people use an eleven phrase word to end a relationship, or a marriage and expect that to be the tell all end all. well let me tell you something, it doesn't. "i love you, but i'm not in love with you."what does that even mean?
are you sure you know what love really is?

1 John 4:8  

Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love

bandanarama.

i have had an interesting few months behind me.

i cant even begin to explain the growth that has taken place in my life. its incredibly unreal.
not even just in the past months but in the past two years. its only taken countless hours of conversation to realize everything that has happened, all together for a force of good.


last night was a night of recognition and a night of happiness.
in light of everything that each person goes through, i cant help but try to understand what Gods trying to do. what point He is trying to make.  with time it makes sense. and with even more time that sense turns into another sense. its an ongoing continuation of realization, happening and happening, and it will be like that until the end. just imagine.
i had been alive a little over 6, 205 days, and you over 7,665 days.
the number in between never changes.  and neither have our feelings.
we've grown up in our own way, we needed this.
i can't help but smile at what the Lord is doing in our lives, together and separately.

i was sitting in a coffee shop today with my sweet precious friend of mine.

and i read these words they wrote to somebody. they said "plant your seed. water it if you need to. but don't stand over it  and hover above because you're blocking the sunlight and allowing it not to grow."

very nicely put. claps.

conviction fell over me instantly and i was just silent.

continued sitting.

nodded.

claps

Well I know my death will not come
'Til I breathe all the air out my lungs
'Til my final tune is sung
That all is fleeting
Yeah, but all is good
And my love is my whole being
And I've shared what I could

i'm a little bit bitter. you can't blame me.

i've sat back and watch it happen twice, never working out in the end.

endless conversations about the same thing.

night after night, traveling through the halls into the inner drum of my ear

i'd rather hear the thumping of my own heart pumping blood through my body

than to hear someone else's heart breaking;

but that's when i step up, and let them know they're not alone

 let them in on a Love that is so much greater than anything that can be found on this earth

when will people stop giving up and start simply trying harder

 i can honestly say that i am dumbfounded as to why our culture feels as though giving up is easier 

and is a better solution to every problem they come face to face with.

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance.  And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation.

Romans 5:3-4

if that doesn't leave you speechless, 

i don't know what will.

claps.

notion.

my mind must be going nonstop.

i cant barely function anymore

i cant even sleep, and i haven't had a problem with that in months.

where are you? what is your mind telling you

what is your heart telling you

and what do you think God's telling you

time has never seemed so long to me

as if im just counting down, or just waiting and watching

watching time go by, and my life go by

true, i dont understand the concept of forever and in fact nobody does

but what i do know, are those 60 years

and montana. and me living, learning, and knowing.

and you being there right alongside me.

thats how we wanted it right?

this room is far too big for me

and this bed is way too comfortable.

sleep well

Jeremiah 29:11 The Message (MSG)

I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.

ponder.

i was sitting outside watching the sunset today, instead of wasting away time in painting.
i felt so calm. it was around 430 in the afternoon and i wish i could have sat and just talked to Jesus all day.
i started to just pray. for me, for old friends, for new ones, and for people that were walking by that i didnt even know.
and i felt the breeze, but surprisingly it wasn't cold. thats when it hit me.

God allows the leaves to wither up and fall off the trees. keep in mind the way the branches are, all the while reaching up or out. ( excluding the weeping willow... hahaha)
the leaves fall to the ground and sit, only until the wind blows.
in a way we can be like the leaves. we can wither up and fall to our knees and be completely broken, and when God moves us He moves us little by little. and He doesn't stop moving us, because the wind never ceases to blow.
now i want you to think about a tree with little to no leaves. like i said before, where do the branches reach? out? yes. up? yes.

now i want you to think about you and your life. think about yourself in light of this simile. just pretend you're the tree. Are you reaching UP to the Lord for guidance, love, wisdom, understanding, truth, forgiveness, acceptance, and most of all a relationship? are you reaching OUT to people who don't know our sweet Savior? are you reaching OUT to people who know Him but have been led astray? are you reaching OUT to people you know? your family, your best friend, your teacher, your classmates, your coworkers, your neighbor across the street, the person you see everyday that you met once but forgot their name? what about people you don't know? are you willing to make yourself uncomfortable to share God's love? Friends, God does not call us to be comfortable. in Matthew 28:19  He calls us to go into all the world and make disciples !