better.

long car rides never proved themselves to be good for anything.

until you realize that you're going places.

not only literally, but metaphorically.

you see, nothings changed.

only you and only me.

we are nothing.

you are nothing.

well, you're something.

to someone.

that someone used to be me.

and before me, 

that someone was her.

for you.

confused yet?

somehow i wonder what i was for you

a valuable lesson learned?

a penny spent?

too often i think of where i am

where i have been, or where i'm going

too often i loose track of sleep, 

time, and thoughts

my mind overflows my heart,

and my heart overflows my mind.

its been too long.

my heads in constant chaos 

and it keeps me so deceived.

i wish you well

and thank you for teaching me all that you did.

long car rides never proved themselves to be good for anything.

until you realize that you're going places.

not only literally, but metaphorically.

self reflection.

i fell
and you didn't even stumble

reflection appreciated
the soon to be longing over unanswerable questions

selective thinking

the possibility of forgetting the existence of something real 

undeniable glory

given to the God who made me stronger and wiser.

i'm undeserving of grace. i'm undeserving of acceptance.

"the cross- where righteousness and wrath kiss."

what a beautiful thing.

priorities scattered

idolization was staring me down.

you hurt me.

i wept and wondered

all the while, He was working

preparing my heart a day before.

"As disciples of Jesus, being in a relationship with Him must be our focus."

11.23.10

Thank you God for preparing my heart

I Had No Idea.

your ways are not my ways

and i'm glad.

frenzy.

Your fingertips across my skin

The palm trees swaying in the wind images

You sang me spanish lullabies

The sweetest sadness in your eyes clever trick

Well i'd never want to see you unhappy

I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye my almost lover

Goodbye my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

Should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street

You took my hand and danced with me in the shade

And when you left you kissed my lips

You told me you would never ever forget these images no

Well i'd never want to see you unhappy

I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye my almost lover

Goodbye my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

Should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean

I cannot try the streets at night

I cannot wake up in the morning

Without you on my mind

So you're gone and i'm haunted

And i bet you are just fine

Did i make it that easy to walk

Right in and out of my life?

Goodbye my almost lover

Goodbye my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Why can't you just let me be?

So long my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

Should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

feeble.

somebody's got to teach you how to fly, kid.

you took off on your journey

so many times but you got stuck

you couldn't move

and you wept.

those clouds you're standing on are man-made, kid

formulas and meaningless ideas

interrupting your selfish schemes

you don't know the difference

so you wept.

cry a little more, kid

you don't seem to care

one more day and you've got it figured out

someday you will understand it all, kid

and you will weep

because you wish you had known sooner.

John 14:27

^"27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

waves

We need to start becoming

affirmation.

this is really getting old.

tock.

it has just seemed so apparent to me lately that

time is what heals us

time is what breaks us

time is what allows us to think

time is what we hope for

time is what some of us feel like we need

time is on your wall

and on your wrist

clearly, you are aware.

we must stop and think 

about what exactly we are spending our time on.

is it inadequately or sufficiently spent?

growing, learning, and loving.

i have undoubtedly 

given myself something to think about.

"my heart's in constant chaos and it keeps me so deceived" 

"capture my mind with You "

conclusion.

a tall tree catches the wind,

and all i've caught is myself

John 3:8

constant.

you think sleeping would be the easiest thing

but it's not.

you see, my dreams are not dreams

they are just thoughts

repressed into the unconscious

waiting for a clear shot at disrupting my peace

my peace of mind,

piece of my mind.

John 15:5

He is the Vine

we are the branches.

God, do what you do.

itsybitsy.

"Although the human race is unable to build such a thing as a spider's web, we have been able to construct a world-wide network of communication. The growth of our 'civilization' leaves big,ugly footprints on the very earth from which it springs. Huge cities spill out all over the world, catering to the never-ending needs of millions of human beings. A tight knit cascade of cables, wires and sound waves that weave themselves in and around us. Some we see and others we don't. Modern civilization is built upon a web of technology that most of us use but few understand. Isn't it true that most people have to learn how to switch the computer on and operate it! How many really comprehend how it works? It's like the number one million. We know that number but it is impossible to comprehend. 

Just like a spider's web, though, we must take care. Our flimsy existence can be broken in a second. If such a fateful event occurs in the life of a spider, they merely move on and build another web in some other place but we, are not so flexible as the spider. How many of us would like to be living in a 'modern' city today if technology just stopped? What have we got of human, moral and spiritual resources to see us through such a crisis?"




something to think about? i think yes.

soaring.

movement has happened

growth has taken place

its when i sit here 

and my thoughts take a hold of me

and then i cant help but think

that i keep getting the short end of the stick

but i dont.

this is all working out for God's sweet glory

my Savior is asking me why

i keep telling Him i don't know

if i don't trust him, 

and trust that what he is doing is good

then i am pretty much saying 

that i have a hard time 

believing that He can do

Exactly What He Says He Can Do.

satan, i laugh in your face.

you are powerless

and my God is Mighty.

secondtype.

there's a possibility that the entire course of my life is fixing to drastically change.
in three months i will know with a blood test.
i don't want a needle in me forever.

and yet again i make a bold statement and say that

no one ever asked me what i wanted.

sudden.

most nights i cant sleep.
im tired
but i just cant.
my mind wont stop.



i keep thinking if i hide myself
under these thin sheets i can count my days slower and slower
but i cant
they keep coming and going
quicker then i'd ever thought they would
and they do.
then they're gone
just like you and me


it doesn't help..

me dreaming about you.

you're supposed to be chasing your own dreams.
stop chasing me
in mine.



most mornings i cant get up.
im awake
but i just cant.
my mind wont stop.

awake.

even writing everything down doesn't do it justice.
speaking it doesn't either.

my thoughts are here for good.
my eyes won't shut until your tune stops beating to the old tired drum you kick with your foot.


does everyone have a tender heart? in a wishful thinkers world, the answer would be yes. but in a corrupt world, the answer is no, their heart is far from tender- its hardened. you see, too many people see too many things. too many people experience too many things. but despite what they have seen, despite what they've experienced, they haven't experienced something quite like this.  like grace, like love.

too many people give up on relationships, friendships, and marriages in correlation to what our culture deems "right" by a society who doesn't know their left from their right. so many people use an eleven phrase word to end a relationship, or a marriage and expect that to be the tell all end all. well let me tell you something, it doesn't. "i love you, but i'm not in love with you."what does that even mean?
are you sure you know what love really is?

1 John 4:8  

Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love

bandanarama.

i have had an interesting few months behind me.

i cant even begin to explain the growth that has taken place in my life. its incredibly unreal.
not even just in the past months but in the past two years. its only taken countless hours of conversation to realize everything that has happened, all together for a force of good.


last night was a night of recognition and a night of happiness.
in light of everything that each person goes through, i cant help but try to understand what Gods trying to do. what point He is trying to make.  with time it makes sense. and with even more time that sense turns into another sense. its an ongoing continuation of realization, happening and happening, and it will be like that until the end. just imagine.
i had been alive a little over 6, 205 days, and you over 7,665 days.
the number in between never changes.  and neither have our feelings.
we've grown up in our own way, we needed this.
i can't help but smile at what the Lord is doing in our lives, together and separately.

i was sitting in a coffee shop today with my sweet precious friend of mine.

and i read these words they wrote to somebody. they said "plant your seed. water it if you need to. but don't stand over it  and hover above because you're blocking the sunlight and allowing it not to grow."

very nicely put. claps.

conviction fell over me instantly and i was just silent.

continued sitting.

nodded.

claps

Well I know my death will not come
'Til I breathe all the air out my lungs
'Til my final tune is sung
That all is fleeting
Yeah, but all is good
And my love is my whole being
And I've shared what I could

i'm a little bit bitter. you can't blame me.

i've sat back and watch it happen twice, never working out in the end.

endless conversations about the same thing.

night after night, traveling through the halls into the inner drum of my ear

i'd rather hear the thumping of my own heart pumping blood through my body

than to hear someone else's heart breaking;

but that's when i step up, and let them know they're not alone

 let them in on a Love that is so much greater than anything that can be found on this earth

when will people stop giving up and start simply trying harder

 i can honestly say that i am dumbfounded as to why our culture feels as though giving up is easier 

and is a better solution to every problem they come face to face with.

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance.  And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation.

Romans 5:3-4

if that doesn't leave you speechless, 

i don't know what will.

claps.

notion.

my mind must be going nonstop.

i cant barely function anymore

i cant even sleep, and i haven't had a problem with that in months.

where are you? what is your mind telling you

what is your heart telling you

and what do you think God's telling you

time has never seemed so long to me

as if im just counting down, or just waiting and watching

watching time go by, and my life go by

true, i dont understand the concept of forever and in fact nobody does

but what i do know, are those 60 years

and montana. and me living, learning, and knowing.

and you being there right alongside me.

thats how we wanted it right?

this room is far too big for me

and this bed is way too comfortable.

sleep well

Jeremiah 29:11 The Message (MSG)

I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.

ponder.

i was sitting outside watching the sunset today, instead of wasting away time in painting.
i felt so calm. it was around 430 in the afternoon and i wish i could have sat and just talked to Jesus all day.
i started to just pray. for me, for old friends, for new ones, and for people that were walking by that i didnt even know.
and i felt the breeze, but surprisingly it wasn't cold. thats when it hit me.

God allows the leaves to wither up and fall off the trees. keep in mind the way the branches are, all the while reaching up or out. ( excluding the weeping willow... hahaha)
the leaves fall to the ground and sit, only until the wind blows.
in a way we can be like the leaves. we can wither up and fall to our knees and be completely broken, and when God moves us He moves us little by little. and He doesn't stop moving us, because the wind never ceases to blow.
now i want you to think about a tree with little to no leaves. like i said before, where do the branches reach? out? yes. up? yes.

now i want you to think about you and your life. think about yourself in light of this simile. just pretend you're the tree. Are you reaching UP to the Lord for guidance, love, wisdom, understanding, truth, forgiveness, acceptance, and most of all a relationship? are you reaching OUT to people who don't know our sweet Savior? are you reaching OUT to people who know Him but have been led astray? are you reaching OUT to people you know? your family, your best friend, your teacher, your classmates, your coworkers, your neighbor across the street, the person you see everyday that you met once but forgot their name? what about people you don't know? are you willing to make yourself uncomfortable to share God's love? Friends, God does not call us to be comfortable. in Matthew 28:19  He calls us to go into all the world and make disciples !

simple.

i can honestly say that dependence has never felt so good. 

the love of my Jesus can never be taken away from me.

In class this morning, we had to write 20 things that described us.

then we had to label the top 5 ones with #1 being the most important/describes us best.

1) I am a Christ-follower

2) I am urbane

3) I am peaceable

4) I am friendly

5) I am constantly thinking

Then we were asked to mark through number 5, as if we had that completely taken out of our lives and had no way of retrieving it. So, i guess that would make me very lifeless i suppose if i couldnt think... well we also had to explain how our life would be different after we did that. anyway, i got down to marking out my number one.

I couldn't do it. i wouldn't do it, actually. i wrote: simply impossible. This can never be taken away from me

i've never felt so much at peace. isn't that a great great GREAT thing to hear?

pure bliss.

disintegrated.

a simple question to ask. why?
WHY are you taking everybody I love away from me, God?
one by one, they've moved away, transferred, went off to college, ended a relationship, and again moving away.

i hold close to my heart that the Lord says "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33.


And again, in Hebrews 11:1, it says that Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.




The Bible is so sweet. It'll give you a peace of mind. 
Even if its only for a little while. 
Then you pick back up and dig down deeper into the Word. Amazing.

sunshine.

this room is cluttered but the sunlight it shines through so well

my heart is still where it should be

believe it.

your mind controls your heart
your heart overflows your mind.

cast.

 life never asked me what i wanted.

explorer.

For we, we are not long here.
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it.
And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know you.
Hope is coming for me. 

Hope, He’s coming